Who am I? No, seriously....

Last night one of my best girlfriends took me out to dinner to cheer me up. A little 'girl time' was just what the doctor ordered. After that I went home, watched Hell's Kitchen (So sad Ed got kicked off, waaahhhh!), went to bed and crashed... the sleep of total exhaustion.

Some time in the night... maybe even in my sleep?... I had an epiphany. I do so love a good epiphany. Enlightenment often follows controversy does it not? At any rate, it hit me that for so long now, I have identified myself as one half of a couple... I was "Melissa and Charles" or "Charles' girlfriend, Melissa" .... but at some point I had stopped just being me. I've lost my individual identity. Didn't I swear after my divorce that I would never allow that to happen again?? DOH!

I didn't realize it but maintaining this relationship was really putting a strain on me. Constantly worrying about interference from some openly disapproving and meddlesome people in Charles' life, keeping my guard up, always having to defend myself, trying to keep some one else happy while maintaining my own sanity (and evidently failing miserably on both points) ... It has all weighed me down to the point I don't even recognize myself.

Suddenly I realize, I don't have to do all that any more. I can relax, I can breathe and just be me.... All I have to do is figure out who exactly I am after all this. As sad as I am, I still feel a huge weight lifting from my shoulders. I know it will take me a while to figure myself out again but hey.... I've got nothing but time.